Santa's got a new informant...and he's creepy as hell..

Last year around this time, my sister linked me to what she described as "the creepiest thing she has ever seen". Sure enough if was a picture of the recent Christmas phenomenon the Elf On the Shelf

I researched this elf and found out that at the time, it could only be bought online and was selling out like The Dark Night on opening day. I had no clue how this could be when you look at that things face and its enough to bring back all childhood trauma of clowns, or elfs with what i call "rape face" aka the rosey cheeks. I forgot about this elf until last friday my boss cam ein and told me that she went to some holiday house and people were standing in line to buy this "elf" doll. I was curious what elf could possibly be this amazing and she told me to get it out of her car, then it hit me...could it be???? YES IT WAS THE ELF ON THE SHELF. I knew it sounded familiar and she then brought me into her office and subjected me to the assailants creepy tale of the elf being hid in different places to act as a spy or informant to santa about the activities of children before Christmas. Santa is to busy to see what everyones doing so here is this creep elf to help him out essentially.

As a toy, this thing acts as a tool to scare children into submission seasonally so they will do what their parents want them to do in hope of the big payout on th 25th. Its sort of like the Bible in that way you know, the scaring people into doing the right thing part. Don't these kids know that they have to WORK for their xmas presents now? After all its not their birthday its Jesus's birthday, those gifts dont come for free, shit. All i know is, iw ouldnt want to wake up to that creep face staring at me in the morning. I think Lynn Goslee put it best when she stated

"the more i look at that elf, the creepier he gets. he looks like he's been molested...or maybe he's some weirdo pedophile. those big rosy cheeks and his eyes all shifted to the right. i don't trust it. he looks like he'd get under your sheets and touch your privates. sick dude. if i had one, i'd hide it in your underwear drawer. that's the kind of place where he'd fit in. or maybe on the edge of the bathroom sink, where he could watch you undress before getting in the shower. "

And this is supposed to be a childrens holiday tradition?? I don't think so. This is just as creepy as Americans affinity for elfyourself.com. serioulsy what is with this elf obsession? Santa is so passe.

Stuff I Like More Than You aka Why Bromance Makes Me Sick

This is my post on stuff I like more than I like you. In wake of current circumstances I should probably put "job security" at the top of the list. But f*** it, this list is for fun things!!!!!! Top keep you hip on what I am currently obsessing over I will be super cool and post some vids, or pics, or whatever I have time for (you know that Pantera bread has a 30 minute WIIFII limit a**holes)>

1. Best New Show
Summer Heights High




This is a little Austrilian comedy now on HBO. Thanks go out to the Veesh for letting me watch it on her cable and to Rob for burning it for me (right Rob!). Nothing makes me laugh more than guys in drag that look convincingly like 17 year old girls. That and the notion of an 11th grade girl dating a 7th grader. Seriously guys, watch this show.

2. Best Cd Ever

J Dilla Donuts


Nothing in life is better than waking up on a weekend morning and kick starting your lazy day listening to this album. A flawless work or hip hop meets your dads record collection. I do not even understand how people could even THINK of a. being a dj b. using fruity loops to make beats after hearing this album. Yall is some amatures. If you havent heard this we probably are not friends.

3. Starbucks



after years of fake anarchist hatred for this large corporation, young adulthood has set in and I am now officially hooked. and yes i have a "usual" and yes I get coffee free whenever the manager is working because I am there so much.

4.Teleporting

No picture available.
No comment necessary.

5. Internet Acsess

Because I do not have it I like it more than you. I need it like that starbucks iv. Tomorrow I plan on posting when i steal WIIFII from someone else, Roberts and I's attempt at buying into the current trend of "BFF" shows by presenting Rob and Andreas New BFF!!!!! OMGOMG!!! I have a few amazing fictional candidates that you will just totally flip over!!! And it is going to be so much better than BROMANCE that ridiculous Brody Jenner show that rips off Paris Hilton. When i first saw a clip for that show I literally had tears forming in my eyes and Im not quite sure why. I know it wasnt because Brody is just so damn beautiful, maybe it has more to do with the decline of American Popular television, and the fact that I am accidentally exposed to this garbage unsuspectingly. It makes me SICK i tell you SICK. Which Is why Im going to one up America and come up with my own search for a BFF. If you can't beat em up, join em!

Matering the Art of Avoidance aka

How to ignore annoying co-workers".

Here I will divulge a little into my personal life, more specificly my work life. Anyone who has had an office job knows that while feeling quite tedious most of the time there are also a boat load of office related annoyances which are slowly becoming huge pet peeves of mine. There is the general "office small talk" that gets on my nerves here and there, "its really getting cold out there isn't it?""yeah i guess its that time of year"I answer unenthusiastically. A simple "hey how are you" would suffice or " I hate my f***ing job how about you?" would be even more appropriate. If that wasn't bad enough to have to deal with on a regular basis I now have what could best be described as the classic conversation intruder. You know... that person who is never actually part of a conversation but finds some non descript way to butt his way in when in reality, there is a reason he is not in the conversation. One being the conversation started without them, 2, nobody wants to f***ing talk to you. These people have some sort of knowledge that people are avoiding as much conversation as them as possible so they really try to do their best to not just interrupt conversation that they walk by, but to also interrupt by changing the subject matter completly. I am getting furious just TYPING about this.

There is a guy that i work with who does this everytime he comes to use the fax machine in the front where me and the receptionist Jeanelle work. We will behaving a conversation about something I am actually interested in and laughing at and here comes old mood killer staring at us waiting to get a word in. We decided that the best way to combat this situation is to create a dialouge that we will repeat each time he is at the machine to throw him off/confuse him. We decided that it should be about something he has no interest in like...curtains. The diatribe goes something like this " So Andrea I got some new curtains " " really what do they look like??""oh you know...blue...with a leopard print. They really tie the room together." We figure about after five times hearing this same conversation he might see that something is up. We have even started this conversation out of the blue just knowing hes coming down the hall. We want to avoid him that much. He somehow managed to butt in the other day, and of course was in no way talking about curtains :"how come no one told me it was a jeans day?" umm how rude is it to intterupt a conversation that is going on first of all? i dont know any one that im friends with who would do that. Maybe to put in their two cents but not to just f***ing intrude like that and try to shift the attention their way.

Im guessing there is not much we can do with this guy but I am completely open to suggestions. Janelle made a template email that we could keep open on our computer screens that says in big red letters "NOBODY IS LISTENING TO YOU WE DONT CARE!!!!" And if he doesn't get the hint from that..I guess we could cut out his tongue.

On a side note: office policy dress code states that we are not allowed to wear "denim or any fabric that resembles denim". now i ask you...who wears fabrics that resemble denim that are not denim??? Jenelle assures me shes "seen things". If there is anything like that out there please, burn it immediately. Thanks.

"There isn't a lot you can do with leggings...

but I'm doing all that I can." These words were uttered by a supposedly sober Lindsay Lohan in a recent interview for Harpers Bizarre insert link here:http://www.harpersbazaar.com/magazine/cover/lindsay-lohan-cover-story-1208
After reading this interview (I was bored at work don't judge me!) I have realized it would be entirely off base for Lohan to blame any of her stupidity on being intoxicated because clearly, she is a f***ing moron when allegedly sober. I say allegedly only because its really hard for me to believe that anything she said in this interview or on her myspace blog is written clear headedly, wait no, she is really that stupid in general. My biggest astonishment however is not with her, but with Harpers Bazaar and the author of this interview. Was this lady really giving "props" to Lindsay and think that all of the guff comming out of her mouth was print-worthy in a non-sarcastic tone??? I know most journalists are not allowed to be sarcastic when writting for non-humor magazines but come on!!!! all that fodder right in front of her and she wants me to believe that she is all about what this crack head is saying? Hell no I dont belive it. I was laughing out loud reading this lame attemept at appearing together and politicaly aware. throwing in words like "f***" and "bulls**t" with every sentence does not do much for the validity of her statements either. she just comes off as some un educated stuck up Brittney Spears want to be but with problems she coud only dream of having. Stop trying to be Brittney, having a les girlfriend and going to rehab doesnt compare to the s**t that that crackish struggz has done. I love it.

The thesis of the article alone is a huge misnomer "Lindsay Lohan is back in action!" ummm....from what I have read in more formidable publications.... bitch can't get work. She was even late for the interview!!! and to say "shes no longer living la vida Lohan. The message is clear: Lindsay has actually started growing up." Living La Vida Lohan....and I can't get a legit writting job? I guess Lohoe and this interviewer were evenly matched on their way with words! My favorite quote of the whole interview is this one "Building a presence online has helped her let people know "there's a person in here," Lindsay says, tapping her head. "And I have feelings too, whether it's about politics, the person I'm seeing, the person I'm not seeing. That's my way of connecting. I don't want people to think that I'm just an empty f***ing whatever.""
Not just an empty f***ing whatever eh? is that why you had to hit yourself on the head? hellloooo is anything in there???? Im fairly confident that at least to me, this article did nothing but prove to me that she is a f***ing whatever and she said it not me. And as far as leggings are concerned...get over it. Doesn't she know that its all about TIGHTS this year? umm. Like a wise Robert L. once said "If you want leggings..go to f***ing Khols". Look..she even modesl them herself! And she created the thigh high leggings!!! and apparantly she is alos one of those girls who thinks that they are a subsitute for pants! OMGOMGOMG where could she possibly go from there! I can't wait to find out. And while im waiting, maybe she will sell a pair, or better yet, maybe they will come back in style! Or even better...maybe she'll make another film...no I doubt that. I'm so mean. Okay I need to watch the new Brittany documentary on MTV. Didn't you know that Im really a 13 year old girl with a potty mouth??? Im no better then Lohan sheesh..what are we if not hypocrites:)

'I Don't Want to Be Part of Your Speech Community..""

AKA words that do not sound good when paird with other words aka slang to be found in the next Lindsay Lohan feature."

Ok friends. It is time that I make my monolithic first blog post that I know you have all been peeing your beds for in anticipation. It has been brought to my attention that my friends and I have what could best be described as our own insular slang. These slang words get picked up by almost anyone who becomes a friend of mine. That s**t spreads faster than bird flue! I remember from the two minutes I paid attention in linguistics class, that people often belong to "speech communities" both large and small. Now Ebonics i have discovered, is a very large and formidable one of these communities that I never hope to be a part of. Now, in order to hang in my personal speech commnity (which of course includes those who i haven't misanthropically ruled out of my friend community) you all know that LEGIT is the word of choice when describing anything wel..legitamate, or good or cool or sweet. STRUGGZ is a term used to describe a person or situation that is not LEGIT, but is in fact..struggling. We may even take this farther to include a "man Im Captain Struggz today" or "that girl is STRUGGZ" when referring to someone CRACKISH aka..someone that looks like a crackhead. I know what you are all thinking "What is this? Stolen dialog from Mean Girls 2"...well I suppose you could construe it as such, but no one can tell me that they do not have some crafty little catch phrase they do not repeat on a daily basis with the hopes that it will one day reach the heights of "poser" or "psyche!". Personally I'm just writing this so that while reading future blog posts you will be able to understand me. However, Im sure it will take a lot more than getting my vernacular to do so.

As far as words that do not sound good alone or when paired with other words...or get even worse sounding when paired with other words. I would like to start listing these words so that I can exonerate them from my vocabulary. I need your thoughts on this matter! Please share them with me. For example the word moist..eww i get the creeps just WRITING it. And how much more disgusting is it when paired with say... moist panties? GROSS. Alright folks lets hear them! You went to college for a reason..unless you are some crackish struggz with no legit schooling in your life and do not like to think of vocabulary words outside your speech community. See what I just did?